Goodbye

"Forgetting seems to be growing up. However, Simulating oblivion and frivolity guarantee admiration and safety. Religion teaches that ignorance is righteous and to pretend not to know thanks for not guilt. Remembering and feeling in silence and absence guarantees to bear that frivolity. The limit between feelings and sickness is diffuse. Saying goodbye is growing up, but it's a goodbye to yourself, to pretend not to be. I know what is causing my block, but despite all the attempts at catharsis, I can't break it, jump it, or put it aside to continue. I have had all the conversations before sleeping, waking up, written letters, paintings, and rituals... but it is not an obsession, nor something sick. It's just that only something more powerful and beautiful can dazzle me. Because yes, goodbye was said, and chance has nothing to do with my existence, like fate. He did not want to write more, and closing that sheet of paper, he sealed it in that envelope that he put in his pocket and stayed with him all day. At night, in front of that mailbox, he wrote the name of his friend on the other side of the world to whom he confessed everything, the one who only responded to him to ask for financial favors. So, writing him is an act of materializing feelings personally, without awaiting any response of interest from a possible friend. 

With age, some humans learn indifference and isolation. Despite the anguish, they play with their desires in the face of the inconvenience of happiness, without any need to externalize unless power and money make an attraction to the masses. Indifference (feigned) does not allow persistence to be harassment or stubbornness, another slim frontier, which, thanks to the absence of apparent feelings, guarantees internal despair but not external punishment. So, the lack and distance prevent misery and not thinking about oblivion. More than saying goodbye and forgetting, leaving and moving away helps to appear to grow. But it also generates a different construction: other stories. 5:50 A.M.  A sip of coffee and a sigh. After a week of silence, he arrives to write at least three pages, more than five hundred words in his handwriting. In the last days, he preferred the words of others: Bukowski, Zweig, Nietzche... a bad idea for the first days of the year, but it could be said that he is contaminated with bad ideas, not wrong actions. Another sip of coffee without any sigh but more phrases and the inspiration in that purple sky of the dawn of the day. The bizarre situation of an illusion and reality of a new day.  

However, for the regular citizens, the other stories are solitary anecdotes, sometimes imagined, and when the fear and chaos allow a step of development, the tale ends with brutality. Then, what to be a regular citizen if it is possible to be human?. Not a simple person, but yes, a living being with the impression of conscience and own freedom. A hidden desire, though pretending that none exists (even with a prayer), avoids prejudice from the other citizens, despite the genuine empathy of the humans. It is part of the survivance in society. She preferred an idiot - Jay told him while drinking beer without any bitterness. Of course, to arrive to not feel bitterness, they spent nights that turned into years in his life and several women later. However, it is not a grudge against her, but towards oneself - Jay continued - because stupidity became more attractive. Maybe his penis is bigger, and that's not bad.  With that last sentence, his partner that night felt a deep resentment because despite his money, power, and many other things, that woman who had left him for a simple trucker and who made her unhappy. He was the one she had preferred. Another woman, Mack - Jay finished with a smile - you need another story in your life.

2023, and to be socially correct is achieved without passion or turning feelings into a clearly accepted script. In accordance with age, economic income, skin color, profession, gender, sex, country, location, and metropolis stratum. And being outside of all those variables and classifications does not necessarily guarantee freedom but rather a non-normalization. Nevertheless, being assigned to those variables allows some unknown maneuver and pretend goodbye, giving the image of growth and force. There is no persecution or punishment. - I wasted my time, and you a great man - he said.  What else could I say to someone whose arrogance justifies any combination of needs and ambitions?.  However, it was no longer his words but her actions. And an awful reality was necessary to accept: he failed to motivate or inspire her enough. Nonetheless, it is in those key moments, the bankruptcy points in which what is inspiration surpasses convenience or custom. After that sentence, cruel, there was nothing but silence and a long goodbye."