Alone

"From fear to panic, and from there to horror. However, humanity itself disguised it and confuse with tales and lies the terror and the normality. Just few people is capable to understand the insensibility of the confusion and the danger of the horror, for the same mankind. How to confront the confusion and the fear before the horror? Actually, he wasn't afraid to be alone.  He had felt that loneliness since he was a child, even (more) with the women he had loved, except for one. In any case, she ended up discarding him, and of course, that confirmed the frivolity necessary to simply live the moment. In his loneliness, he waited for her, only feeling some nights some sadness. But he was not afraid. Never. 

Fear for the humans helps to prevent something dangerous, painful or harmful, to survive or to rest in wellness, in tranquility. However, people sacrifies conscience for a supposed tranquility or pleasure. The sense of correctness is relative and the possible fear is of being discovered. The rest is the sense to be the deceiver, the most strong against the fear. Why?  Desire or just because it can be done. It's not even a question of power, but yes of satisfaction. Maybe I would have kept that copy of that book with all the conversations. - he said to himself while looking at the fire in that fireplace - but it was the past. And now, it is a question of future.  He had the teaching of all their lives and he wasn't sure about another life. Why? He was oblivion and mockery. Only that pile of books, the fire and the walls of his mansion enclosed what little he still protected from himself. Alone. 

Humans know their own motivations and their consequences, even if they deny them. Alone, the human being confront himself and the truth and even then, he or she seeks to lie. In front a god in the empty room? It is better to justify the decision without the conscience. Or victimize against selfishness (for desire) and something called instinct (to recognize the animal option, not the decision).  She did not care about her husband's lovers, or the prostitutes who were with him, she had obtained what she wanted and among all that, her son. While he believed he was cheating on her, she had learned to love her own lovers anyway. Someday I would let him know, much later, but it was not the time. Tomorrow she will go to mass in the church alone. Sunday, it is the service to go with her husband. She looked naked, while her lover dressed without looking at her, even though it had been one of the most extraordinary orgasms he had ever had. Then, how many men? it did not matter. Someday she would tell her husband, but not this night.

The real fear is to be discovered and to make the desire and the action public. But, in some social groups is to be admired.  The triumph of oppression and hypocrisy. Why hypocrisy? Because even so, proud of exposing themselves, they justify their actions with lies. Justification is more important, and any questioning is denied, of course. And it hides behind any overcoming and supposed resilience. This is the past and now, "my feelings and thinks are for the future" - they said. The oblivion that guarantees repetition.  Wednesday, they had made love again, but it really wasn't. It was just sex. He had understood that it was necessary to say the words to her and she would only maintain her arrogance. She walk alone now, and her thoughts are around the idea of another sad story that could have been different, but that feeds the sadness necessary for love songs. Why? It is not a battle. And and she lost that Wednesday what she waited for many years. Too late - she said - tomorrow, it is more easy to make sex with another man. Whether she is dying inside, with a feigned orgasm or not, the situation is better than putting aside her supposed pride and more for he, the love of all her Universe.

And the oblivion guarantees the irresponsibility, as well ignorance the supposed absence of fear. Religious phrases to keep slaves. But, alone, any phrase or pride resists the result of the human conscience, and the result of the thoughts before sleep and in the moment after the eyes are open the next day. Yes, alone. It's OK. The response after dozens of phrases and written feelings to show the importance of you and my thoughts about you. Thanks... (with the ellipsis) after the written desires and passions for you. But I want to think that tomorrow everything will be fine, enough so that I will never write to you again. Thursday, not to forget you, but to inspire me again, with another woman. In love."